theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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