dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize