So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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