Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
