how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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