and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
