Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There's always time for handjobs
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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