I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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