I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
and you fell through a lawn chair
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
