she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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