I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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