dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
