finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
