i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
