When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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