he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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