just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
