Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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