I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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