I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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