Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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