guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
