on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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