we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
