im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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