sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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