Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
