this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
