There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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