I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
