Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
