tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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