there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he was CRYING into my vagina
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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