drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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