Non-Jews are for practice
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
