i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
