I can text with my tongue
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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