Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize