i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
40s are totally the cure
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
