Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
