I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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