Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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