Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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