so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
