Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
