I'm gonna have a badass scar
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
