If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
