i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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