There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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