If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
