I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
