My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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