I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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