Michael Bay diarrhea
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
