My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
