I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
