I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize