what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
