I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
