I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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