38 yer olds are good kisserssss
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize