you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
